I’m perfectly capable of enjoying the Lindsay Lohan Netflix rom-com. Last year, I liked the song “Irish Wish” and had a remix because of it. (I’m on the side of affection.) But “Our Little Secret,” Lohan’s new Christmas romantic comedy, is crumpled tinsel of a different order. I’m inclined to say it achieves the complete cookie cutter of Netflix. I shrank, I said, and smiled “no!…,” I forced myself to stop looking at how much time was left.
Every rom-com needs that love story, which MacGuffin calls “the thing that separates our two romantic stars.” But part of the strange ineptitude of Our Little Secret is that it doesn’t have that sort of thing. The animated prologue shows us that Avery (Lohan) and Logan (Ian Harding) grew up together, became inseparable friends, fell in love… and it was all good. But then we jump to 2014. The two are adults, and Avery is leaving for an unspecified job in London. So the relationship ends.
We think: really, why? The movie tells us that these two are perfect lovebirds, meant for each other. If so, and one of them got a job in London, wouldn’t they discuss the future? Talk about what they will do?
no. The film, without devoting a single line of explanatory dialogue to him, treats Avery’s career as the end of an existential relationship. When, at her going away party, Logan got down on one knee to make one of those awkward romantic marriage proposals, she looked at him like he’d just thrown up on the carpet. She’s terrified. Why? Because the movie needs them to be separate and weird. This is the only reason. Hailey DeDominisis’s script sacrifices basic human emotions to the logic of arcs, rhythms, and algorithms.
Jump to the present day, where the real fun begins. Avery and Logan are back in their hometown (he’s a construction contractor, she’s…well, her job is still vague but “high-powered”), they both have significant others, and they’re both remarkably unattractive in that comedic, comedic way. Avery’s boyfriend, Cameron (John Rudnitsky), is kind of a crypto chatterbox, bro. Logan’s girlfriend, Cassie (Katie Baker), is a manipulative Barbie doll princess. Here’s the surprise, spoiler, surprise: This awful boyfriend and girlfriend are brother and sister. Which is why Avery and Logan, after not seeing each other for 10 years, end up at the same upscale family Christmas party, chaired by the WASP mom from hell (Kristin Chenoweth), and agree to spend the holiday hiding the fact that they were once the perfect couple.
In addition to how films are made using artificial intelligence, ““Our Little Secret,” directed by the once-promising Stephen Herrick (“Mr. Holland’s Work”), is an embarrassment fest. Take the scene where Avery, accidentally stoned on THC candy, has to give a speech at church. She does her version of the nativity story, which somehow includes the lyrics to “Celebrate” by Kool and the Gang, which causes the black members of the choir and the audience to start singing the song, inspiring everyone in the church to start singing it. On the swing scale, that’s about 9.2.
Both Avery and Logan need to stand up for Erica, played by Chenoweth with an arrogant, control-freak personality so fragile that she achieves painful self-mockery. Lohan, shifty and focused, holds her own amid the vastness, as does the sharp, dry Ian Harding (“Pretty Little Liars”). But these two are too extreme to be funny. That’s part of the reason they belong together. The plot strips away all the other characters’ secrets (an affair, a late-night drinking party… who ate all the cake?), then spits them out in the Christmas climax as a disaster. It’s all hit with one of those great holiday musical numbers.
I’m aware of the way a movie like Our Little Secret works — how Netflix changed the healthy cheese aesthetic for movies. You watch Our Little Secret, see through the subtle tricks, laugh at the goofs, and somehow it all becomes part of the experience. It’s mainstream fodder as low-key camp. It’s a very psychedelic pablum that makes you feel good.